My inner introvert is winning right now... but it’s not really a win.

(Just an FYI I promise that I’ll get to the tips, tricks, branding behind the scenes and client features soon. When I surveyed my blog readers last week most  people said they wanted to know more about me, my journey and what makes me tick so here goes.)

When people initially meet me or “experience” me in person, in the studio, or social media they are instantly drawn  to my very  big, very charismatic, quirky and funny personality.   I absolutely love to laugh, be silly and have fun and I LOVE making other people laugh with me but it’s only when I feel like it. There is a whole other part of me that is super quiet, super serious, super reserved and almost anti-social at times.  The fact is that these days I’m a complete and total introvert about 75%-80% of the time but people don’t initially see that part of me, they don’t see the part of me that is quiet, the person that does almost everything solo, because when they get to experience me I’m big, I’m loud, I’m bold, I’m It’s almost like I have two personalities (I probably have more)…and they don't see eye to eye.

Back story…

I’m an only child but I come from a large extended family.  I grew up living between my grandmother’s house (My Nanny) and my parent’s house by choice (keyword..choice).  It was a weird set-up but it worked perfect for me.

( Extrovert Moe)

I absolutely loved being at My Nanny’s house.  She lived in a cozy little house in what most people would consider to be the “hood” but for me it could have easily been Bel-Air or Beverly Hills.  For me her neighborhood was one of the safest, most fun-est , loudest neighborhoods you’d ever want to grow up in and I loved every minute of it. I got to hangout with my friends and cousins and her house was always FULL of music, food, and people coming and going.  We’d have fish frys, cook-outs, dance contests, and  karaoke before we even knew it was a thing. I was always at the center of the action and the life of the party.

(Introvert Moe)

And then on the Flip side… when I needed a break from the action I’d go home to “visit” my parents in the “ burbs”, let’s just say their neighborhood was the exact opposite of my Nanny’s… it was stale, quiet, and just blah so I ended up spending a lot of time alone and I loved that too. I was never bored, sad, or lonely. I always found creative ways to entertain myself so I actually enjoyed  my solitude when I was there (now I realize that I needed it to recharge).  I’d design clothes, style photoshoots, play dress-up, host fake TV shows, interview imaginary celebrities, and travel the world solo… all from my bedroom.  

Fast Forward

I’ve reached a point in my life where I like for things to just flow…so if it feels forced, I immediately resist. And right now the thought of putting myself out there more, In ways that seen inauthentic for the sake of drumming up business feels hella forced. With that resistance I’ve noticed myself slipping into a dreaded comfort zone, you know that familiar place where nothing grows… not me and not my business.  I know I can’t stay here, in my office,  behind my computer, avoiding people , events and ultimately opportunities but I want to figure out a way that works for me... a way that feels  good and true to me.  I totally understand that every new level of success will require a different version of me and I feel like I’ve been continuously leveling up for the past 4.5 years consistently!!  I challenge myself regularly, I do things that scare me and Up until 6 months ago I was intentionally getting out to network all the time, I joined lots of groups, I was meeting new people, attending events weekly, volunteering,  and I watched my business explode to a different level, I even wrote about it on Instagram.  I increased my circle, my visibility, my bookings, and my income almost instantly during that time so I know it works….. but at what cost??? During this time I also completely lost myself, did way too much and got burned out in the process.

 I decided to take some time away from the scene to regroup and recharge, I needed my solitude. During this time I feel like I’ve been the most productive ever. I built a new website, customized my client workflow, revamped my business model  and  I’ve done lots of work securing the foundation on the operation side of my business so that I can make 2018 my best year yet.   I even hired a new coach who is already where I want to be (Hey Heidi) and she’s been  challenging me in ways that I couldn’t  have even imagined 4.5 years ago when I started.  I really want my photography business to be international, which means that I have to extend my reach and my overall presence in the Beauty and Personal Branding world by getting in front of even more people.  At this next level it’s not just a few groups or events here and there, now  I’m expected to be “ON” more than even before, On social media, On stage speaking, On TV making appearances and the list goes on and on and to be honest  it’s scaring the shit out of the introverted side of me.    

I said all that to say that I’ve always been able to find a balance in the two opposing parts of my Introverted/Extrovert personality and that balance has always been on my terms…..that is until I opened my own business (A business that bears my name and face so there is no hiding) and right now I’m seriously struggling to find balance.  The balance of being extremely ambitious and extremely introverted and I’m wondering  If it’s even possible; possible to preserve my solitude and live out loud as the face of my business. I hope to come to some sort of internal agreement where things will just flow..soon!!  A place where I don’t feel like I’m compromising who I am at my core…. and blogging is really helping  me find my flow, my balance.  It’s like free therapy!!!  I get to share and write my true feelings and get it all out so that I can heal it.  Yes I’m being  vulnerable and showing my imperfections  but  I feel like I’m helping other women just like me….. as I help myself, so it’s worth it.